Reflections on Fear, Gratitude, & Impostor Syndrome
Because Bad B*tches Have Bad Days Too -Megan Thee Stallion
As of this morning, my Substack has gained over 1900+ within two weeks! No words describe my appreciation of every reader, subscriber, and pledge. Each note gave my inner child the hug I didn’t know it needed. For now, I say thank you. Thank you for allowing me to participate in your journey of unmasking and decolonizing. I was and will always be filled with gratitude for this community.
I have been working on Unconventional Intellectual intently for almost two years but never grounded it in the real world. Initially, every subscription and pledge was an affirmation that my writing was important and worthwhile. Honestly, I felt silly for waiting so long to begin publishing. Real humans were willing to support my writing. Who knew?! However, as more people subscribed, I questioned whether I was worthy of the subscriptions. I couldn’t shake feeling like an imposter. Then, I realized that I was afraid—not of any external threat, but of myself, my power, and the responsibility of success.
I am a late-diagnosed autistic black woman who is still unpacking my own internalized ableism, tangled in strings of racism, sexism, religious trauma, and daddy issues. I have spent my entire life working diligently, mixed with a bit of ass shaking and “unIady like behavior”, of course. Transparently, most days, I can’t tell; rather, my oppression is greater internally or externally. After launching Unconventional Intellectual, I asked myself:
Could my autistic body handle the social expectations?
Would my ADHD lead me to a path of inconsistent posts and unrealistic demands?
Did I have the time for this and everything else in my life?
I had more doubts after the launch than I ever did before. Before I knew it, six days had passed, and I hadn't begun drafting my weekly post. I was mentally paralyzed, not because I didn’t know what to write about. Quite the contrary, I have pages of topics, scheduled posts, and written pieces that only my Notes app has been privy to, but all of a sudden, none of the posts felt good enough for over 1.9k people. So I continued to question.
Had grown too far, too fast?
Who did I think I was?
Who does my audience think I am?
Have I oversold myself?
I kept telling myself I needed to do more research, have a better routine, and maybe even get another degree. How was I to run a newsletter when I didn’t even remember to eat today?
I spun until I paused long enough to realize that the problem was not my routine or discipline. The issue was that I did believe that I was not good enough. In many ways, mentally, I was still the teenage girl who needed to prove that she was more than just a “fast-tail girl” from the hood. I was over-identifying with a part of myself that no longer served me. A part of me that I held on to because it motivated me when I was young and ambitious, yet inexperienced. However, those same ideals hold me back from seeing the fruits of my labor and suppress the expression that makes me feel free.
The most valuable advice the wise woman can give to the wild woman is to recognize when thought patterns, people, or ideas have expired and permit herself to let them go without regret.
Weekly Affirmation
“I give myself permission to let go of any negative thoughts, ideas, or judgments about myself as they do not represent who I am anymore.”
When you find yourself doubting your power, look at what you have manifested in your life— in light and shadow. You will find that what you feed through your words, thoughts, and actions grows until your external reality mirrors your internal one.
The question never should have been who do I think I am because I am not my thoughts. My thoughts are often coated in messages that told me that my words were too brash, too deep, and too black. When I listened to those thoughts, I made myself smaller, more palatable, and less “aggressive” for acceptance in a system never designed for me to thrive. A system that required me to be righteous without reciprocity, work without rest, and accept confinement as freedom.
My strength as a woman comes from knowing who I am. I learn myself by quieting my ego and allowing my soul to express itself freely without compromise. As I walk in the world, my soul affirms me and reminds me that don’t have to fear or comply to be secure, even when the world tells me otherwise.
My unmasking journey began with deconstructing the lies that had been told to me about who I was and how I was supposed to operate in the world. These concepts of self-doubt, scarcity, and fear created systems of thought that I still struggle to overcome.
Unmasking and decolonizing is a spiritual journey that must be grounded in the physical world. It involves emotional meltdowns, overstimulation, and discipline. Sometimes, you will feel empowered by what you learn about yourself and the world around you. You'll be affirmed as you confirm the things you always knew intuitively but were afraid to speak. You will feel betrayed by the lies you were fed and infuriated when you learn that those lies are someone's truths. Yet, to live in truth—your truth—you must have the health, courage, and audacity to detach from everything you have been taught and trust the unseen. The hardest part is realizing that you have also been unseen.
🌕 Updates
💰 Paid subscriptions are now available. I want to thank everyone who has pledged their support to my Substack. Your support will help me continue my work and improve my well-being. In return, paid subscribers can access additional materials at free or discounted rates. I will continue building the paid platform offerings as my site develops.
☀️ On the Horizon
8/4 📚 Books for Spiritual Beginners
This post is intended to assist humans who are embarking on their spiritual journeys and require fundamental texts before delving into the realm of decolonization.
8/11 😫 Burnout Avoidance: Rest Strategies for Women and Neurodivergents.
This post will explore the seven types of rest and how to incorporate rest into your daily life so you can unmask without burnout.
I want to express my heartfelt gratitude to every reader, subscriber, and person who has pledged to support my work. Thank you for recognizing and acknowledging me. I hope that my work enriches you and validates your soul.
We find security and a sense of belonging in communities that embrace us rather than tolerate us. Communities that encourage us to pursue our unique paths.
Here’s to our community of free-spirited, unconventional, divergent wild women and those who support us.
-Sia.
“Be wild; that is how to clear the river. The river does not flow in polluted, we manage that. The river does not dry up, we block it. If we want to allow it its freedom, we have to allow our ideational lives to be let loose, to stream, letting anything come, initially censoring nothing. That is creative life. It is made up of divine paradox. To create, one must be willing to be stone stupid, to sit upon a throne on top of a jackass and spill rubies from one’s mouth. Then the river will flow, then we can stand in the stream of it raining down.”
— Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves