Your Ego is Your Biggest Opp
A unmasking post dedicated to ego death
The term “OPP” can commonly refer to “Opponent” or “Opposition.” It is often used to describe someone or something that an individual opposes or competes against.
This week’s theme is surrender. The definition of surrender is to cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority.
Submission and authority are two things I’ve resisted since childhood. For example, if you told me what to do, your request alone would delay the completion process for at least three business days to allow you to consider your audacity and five days if I was in the process of doing it when you asked. I didn’t realize my resistance was audacious in most cases. I believed I knew better, so I would ignore my intuition if I couldn’t tangibly see a better path. I believed in systems more than myself. I resisted flow for the sake of safety.
Then it hit me: my biggest opponent was my ego.
My ego drives me to a consistent state of perpetual busyness. Honestly, it’s a trauma response— more trauma equals more busy. When I had twins, I started a master’s program when they were five weeks old. After I found myself in an abusive marriage and enrolled as a doctoral student a year later and I have more examples, but I think you get the point— I was chasing the praises, salaries, and titles because, deep down, I believed it would ease the pain or at least hide the fact that I felt like a mess.
Please don’t get me wrong; nothing is wrong with accomplishing material wealth in any form. I have built a beautiful life, but it no longer serves me in my current state of awareness because my core values have shifted.
Since childhood, I have believed that I had to bring something to the table beyond my presence—something outside of myself to make me feel worthy of taking up space that, truthfully, I didn’t feel worthy of. I feared being seen, and like many autistic people, I’m a black-and-white thinker who sees the world in patterns and systems. I believed the more you put in, the more you’d gain, so I spent a lot of time building my egoic self, focusing on job titles, salaries, and educational attainment—masks that would allow me to gain societal acceptance, love, and belonging.
However, no matter how much I conformed, I never fit into spaces I was too big for, so I made myself smaller. I thought 1 + 1 = 2 until life showed me this was not always true. I have been unmasking for five years. I have read countless books about any topic I was taught to fear, but nothing has prepared me to face my fear of myself, trust my intuition, and break free of the systems that previously held my worth.
If you are in the process of unmasking, you will have several tower moments designed for you to pause, reflect, and align. These moments are not intended for you to fail. They are designed to help you feel and decide whether you want to crystalize your current life or pursue a better-aligned path.
Fear has a way of keeping us trapped. It can lead us to believe that our current situation is the best option and that we must push through it to receive rewards. However, sometimes suffering only leads to more suffering, especially in a system that values your production above your well-being. At specific points in your life, you are allowed to make a decision, and what you choose is dependent on your belief in yourself versus the system. It’s not easy, but transformation is necessary for growth.
You won’t have room for your new life if you hold on to your old one.
Preparing for Transformation
As I prepare for my next move, I anticipate blossoming into a vibrant butterfly, gliding gracefully from flower to flower, embracing freedom and lightness. Yet I honor that, for now, I am still a caterpillar, patiently preparing for the metamorphosis ahead. Like a caterpillar, I must:
1. Acknowledge that it is time to transform
I recognize the deep inner call to evolve, trusting that this moment holds the power to shift my entire being. Just as the caterpillar senses when it’s time to change, I, too, embrace the urgency of this transformation.
2. Surrender to the transformation and enter the cocoon
I willingly cocoon myself in stillness and reflection, allowing the external world to quiet so that my inner world can speak louder. I trust the process in this sacred space, knowing that transformation requires patience, rest, and surrender.
3. Allow myself to be broken down to my essence
I shed the layers of who I once was, letting go of past roles, limiting beliefs, and outdated habits. Like the caterpillar dissolving into pure essence, I return to my most potent and authentic form—my soul. Here, I am raw, vulnerable, and open to what will come.
4. Rebuild each part of my being in its new form
With intention, I reconstruct myself, piece by piece. Every part of me—my thoughts, emotions, spirit—aligns with my higher self, creating a new, powerful version of who I am becoming. I step into this new form with grace, resilience, and purpose.
This journey will not be easy, but I am consciously choosing to surrender to it. I trust that I will be carried forward in a way that honors my being and doesn’t rely on my production. As my world dissolves around me, I cry tears of sorrow and joy because I am losing a part of my identity that, at one point, served me well. I am not here to bash the old version of myself but instead to honor her and her efforts to keep me safe in the world. I honor her and the lessons I have gained, but I no longer need the mask. I am ready to stand on my own.
Final Thoughts
These past few weeks have taught me that tower moments are inevitable and necessary to pull us closer to our purpose. These moments force us into our cacoons to blossom into the butterflies we are meant to be. I have also run from being the quirky hood chick, but now I know that my experiences from the hood to the ivory tower are what makes me uniquely qualified to fulfill my purpose of being a light for others. Thank you for being a part of this community, and I hope sharing my journey with you heals you the same way it heals me.
I appreciate your honesty and sharing about the process of transformation. This year has had me face so many tower moments where I finally was able to see the role I played in all things.
The notification I received for this post could not have come at a better time. I am so grateful for your writing, as it has given me the final push I really needed to embrace this process. For several weeks I have been pulling the Tower and Hanged Man over and over, and speaking to my friends of how I feel as though I am in a chrysalis moment in time, small cracks in the shell appearing and letting glowing light peak through. As though I am on the precipice of transformation, alignment, and stepping into/deepening my relationship with who I am becoming. As though I am on the precipice of stepping outside of my comfort in current structures and allowing myself to spread my wings and flit from one place to the next spreading magic. You have put perfectly and evocatively into words what my soul and guides have been aching for me to realize into reality. Thank you.