What Ending My Book Club Taught Me About Unmasking

Notes on the masking, failure and spiritual alignment

So, I ended the book club.

Not because I didn’t enjoy community or discussing other people's work with like-minded people. I ended the book because I created it out of fear.

I didn’t create it because I had a vision. Or because my spirit said “yes.”

I created a book club because I was scared I was not good enough. I was so used to performing expectations that I believed if I didn’t do something fast and tangible, everyone would unsubscribe, and I would fumble my dream.

I knew that leaving my job to pursue my calling was the right thing to do. All the signs pointed to that outcome, but after leaving my job, I looked around and thought, How TF am I gonna make this work? How am I gonna prove that I’m worth subscribing to? How can I offer enough value to make people stay?”

I wasn’t comfortable telling people I went from Asst. Dean of Undergraduate Education at a large University to become a creative. I knew that the reasons I left were deeper and more personal than the public knew, but I was more concerned with what it looked like to other people. If I was going to leave, I needed to leave to be the best, and I needed to be the best now.

I put so much pressure on myself to be a version of myself I wasn’t yet. I didn’t feel safe; I was scared because I’ve been working since I was 14. Nobody has ever provided for me, so I thought I needed to find a way to get this money by tomorrow.

I returned to my old thought patterns, which told me I had no space to rest or plan. Time was ticking, and the urgency of corporate culture followed me into my business. Before you knew it, I launched a book club for paid subscribers only, restricting the chat and limiting my reach. I told myself it was the only way to boost engagement and appear valuable. But that was a lie. It was a defense mechanism. It was me trying to earn my worth.

And here’s the truth: it backfired real bad.

Of my 8,000+ subscribers, 28 people signed up, and I was so grateful—I still am. About six people showed up live most weeks, and we had some amazing discussions. I wanted it to be good, so I created guidebooks and videos and paid a Discord designer to enhance the experience — even though I hate Discord and find it overwhelming.

I spent 10-15 hours a week preparing for the weekly meetings while newly home-schooling my autistic daughter and healing from autistic burnout. It took so much time that I didn’t have space to focus on writing regular posts or posting on my social media. I recreated the same chaos that I left my career to escape, which left me with an astounding revelation:

Burnout didn’t come from overdoing—it came from overproving.

I was so busy trying to find security in external things that I missed it within myself. I couldn’t accept that I was beginning something new, and it was harder than I thought. Stillness was required but uncomfortable. I wanted to prove that I was still in control, but the only thing running the show was my ego.

I was so afraid that I created barriers to healing. I rejected the community's reciprocity. I isolated the other 8,000+ subscribers who came here to learn how to unmask, ground, and live their best divergent lives.

But worse than that, I isolated myself.

Masking makes you focus on external validation over internal peace. We often tell ourselves that we mask because of the job we work or the relationships we enter, but the reality is we mask because we don’t feel safe.

I was working so hard to prove I was valuable I never stopped to ask:

What if I already am?

What if I took Julia Cameron’s advice in Week 9 of the Artist’s Way and committed to showing up to the page, writing or recording the video, speaking my truth, and letting God take care of the rest? What if I stopped being afraid and led with my heart instead of my head? What if I allowed myself to show up without gimmicks? What if I showed up as me, gave all I had, and let that be good enough?

“Creative Force, you take care of the quality. I’ll take care of the quantity.”

Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way

The Lesson

It’s been a week since I notified everyone that we would discontinue the book club, and no one cussed me out or canceled their subscription. I returned to writing and posting authentically and have received more support than I have since November. I stopped being afraid of being myself and stood on my truth.

In all of this, am I slightly embarrassed that I failed at my first business launch? Yes. I cringe a bit. But it’s life, and this is what it means to be human. My only regret was not listening to my gut and wasting folks' time because I wasn’t being true to myself. For that - I am sorry.

After much reflection, I am changing some things around here to align with my work. I am no longer scared but strategic and spiritually aligned. I am excited to share the new direction with you all in another post because this one has grown long.

That said, I want to leave you with this.

1. Don’t make decisions based on fear and lack.

2. Trust your gut; it will never steer you wrong.

3. You sacrifice a part of yourself for every mask you wear— fight to get it back.

4. Slow down.

5. Get out of your head and create.

6. To know yourself is to honor yourself.

7. Don’t pimp your gifts out.

8. You are enough.

With Love,

Dr. C