Welcome to Divergenthood

A weekly reflection dedicated to the alchemy of unmasking.

Original artwork by Kennedi Reed, a 12-year-old artist authentically representing the black autistic community.

Most subscribers were introduced to my Substack through Readings for Women, Witches, Bit*hes, or  Grounded: 7 Strategies to Prevent Burnout and Improve Well-Being. This tells me three things –

1. The first is that I have an audience of primarily women who diverge from society's standards of normal. You know, the neurodivergent, quirky, spiritual type.

2. The second thing it tells me is that as a result of navigating a world dominated by patriarchy, racism, ableism, and capitalistic solutions, you are tired ASF.

3. Finally, it lets me know I’ve found my tribe in what I call, Divergenthood. 

Di-ver-gent-hood

The state or condition of being different in a standard system. 

Life is hard for everyone, but it’s even harder when you are divergent and have been unconsciously masking to meet your physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional needs. The effect is even more significant if you have been masking since childhood. You likely derive your sense of self from the external world, which makes you more likely to rely on external approval because your identity is rooted in how others perceive you instead of how you perceive yourself. 

As children, we are unaware of the masks we wear– they are an unconscious protection mechanism created by the mind in response to your body’s cues(emotions), signaling to your brain that you are unsafe. They were made to protect you and help you meet your needs for acceptance, love, and belonging. They often stem from childhood wounds and are exacerbated by the disapproving words and faces of loved ones that emerged when you expressed yourself authentically and the punishment that followed when you questioned, talked back, or set boundaries. 

The longer you unconsciously adapt to the world, the further your ego disconnects from your soul. This results in dissatisfaction with the life you have created because it was designed for a version of you that no longer serves you. You were never meant to be small or filled with anxiety and shame. Those emotions came from experiences intended to guide you closer to yourself, not further away. Still, because we have been taught to be afraid of ourselves, we’ve found security in the very systems that trap us in meeting everyone's expectations except our own.

Realizing the Mask

The only way to beat the system is to stop participating and rest. About a month ago, I experienced a life-changing moment involving my daughter that changed my life forever. It was the wake-up call I needed to reprioritize what’s important in my life. I had no choice but to step away from work to care for my daughter and, in turn, for myself. It was the first time since she was born that I was not distracted by school or work. It was also the first time in a long time that I had just sat with myself with no distractions. This led me to one of the biggest realizations of my life— I was externally wealthy but internally poor.

Motherhood has been the most challenging and rewarding experience in my lifetime, and raising a child with autism and ADHD has been a mirror that has been hard to look into. As my daughter experienced similar mental health struggles as I did growing up, I realized that the same things that were eating away at her were eating away at me, too. The time away allowed us to remember who we were when we were not under the pressures of life. One day, we watched the anime For Your Eternity, and she paused and asked, “If you are so unhappy, why don’t you start your business and finish your book?”

It wasn’t a new thought or question. She, her sister, and countless social media friends had asked me when my book was coming out or when I would take coaching clients. On the other hand, I had been contemplating this for a while now but never took the leap. I told myself it was money, but honestly, I was moving debt around, so it wasn’t money that was holding me back. It was a perception that I wouldn’t be as valuable without the job, title, and image I worked so hard to maintain.

Origins of the Mask

For years, I have let my quest for conventional success drive me further away from my heart. Like most of us, it was derived in childhood. You know, divorce, abandonment, and youngest daughter-type stuff. I remember when my dad moved back to Florida after my parent’s divorce, and all I wanted to do was get my dad back. As a kid, I knew two things: 

1. he always wanted a boy  

2. he loved fast runners. 

For me, that meant that if I could be more like a boy and run track so well that I make it to the Track National Championships in Orlando, FL, I knew that he would be so thrilled that he would drive up, see me win, immediately regret his decision to leave, and they would remarry, and we would live happily ever after.

I never became a boy or made it to Florida, but I continued to patch up the broken areas of my life with my accomplishments. I believed that the more educated I became and the better my job title, the more people would see me and think I was valuable. I mean, I had the credentials to prove it. Thus, I created a life in which people valued me for what I found valuable in myself.

Once I had my twins, I told myself that if I were financially stable, well-educated, and titled, people would overlook that I was a fatherless daughter turned baby mama. If I was going to be a baby mama, I wanted to be the best. I wanted to show everybody that I was strong and invincible. I wanted my dad and baby’s dad to feel silly for ever letting a cold piece like me go.

Truthfully, deep down, I only wanted to be loved.

Since I was a shell of myself, I was consistently around people who didn’t love me for me because they didn’t know her; they knew who I masked myself to be. My internal environment became my external reality– a reality that was now eating me alive because everyone expected me to be who I presented myself as – a mask.

Rest is Radical

If I were to describe in detail all the life changes that have occurred in the last three months, you would wonder how I was still standing up. I can tell you I am standing up because rest is radical. Rest has allowed me to ground myself in my divinity and realize that all I need is within me. Rest has harnessed my once scattered energy into focus so that I can make way for a life that aligns with my mission instead of my misery.

The past three weeks away from my career have been transformational because they have allowed me to be detached from the environment that has defined who I am for so long. This severance has allowed me to experience myself in a way I haven’t been able to in years. I’ve cried, laughed, and questioned a lot. I’ve made uncomfortable realizations about my priorities, boundaries, and role in creating a life I must escape from.

I see the benefits of my presence in my home as the energy is vibrating higher, and my family is nourished with love without time limits. My daughters are safe and happy, and they laugh and create again. My daughter even made the cover art for this post. I finally saw that the life I created was holding me back from the life I deserved. Once I decided I wanted different, the chaos of alchemy began, and now I am sitting here watching my old life be dismantled brick-by-brick. 

I won’t lie. It feels good.

Welcome to Divergenthood

I am welcoming a state of being that is not confined the restrictions of being an adult. 
I reject all notions that tell me I am too old to pursue new beginnings. 
I embrace my inner’s child’s desire to create. 
I honor my freedom with integrity. 
I commit to a life of authentic expression
I surrender to my life’s purpose. 
I celebrate my humanity.
I pour into my community. 
I believe that I am worthy, wealthy and whole. 

Fear no longer lives here.