Being happy was never the point.
Notes on feelings, disconnection, and unmasking.
Yesterday, I wrote a post titled, 'I am happy, but I’m here.' The title was a typo. It was supposed to read, I am NOT happy, but I’m here because I ain’t happy. In fact, I think it would be quite odd if I were happy considering the circumstances. After hitting post yesterday and before seeing the typo later that evening, I found myself asking, “Is happiness the point, and if not, why was I putting so much emphasis on it?
Have you ever noticed how much emphasis is placed on being happy, as if other emotions don’t exist? We often speak about happiness as if it can be a permanent state of being, rather than a temporary feeling. I thought about how I try to hold on to happiness. We want to claim it as ours, even when it escapes us—telling everybody you are fine, knowing full well you are not. We make room for happiness and put all the other emotions on a cot. We reminisce about times when we had happiness, only to find ourselves in sadness instead. We dream about the times when we will hold happiness once again.
We put happiness on a pedestal because it’s easier to be present when you are happy, but being present is harder when it hurts, and trauma makes that worse. Emotions are a key part of being human. Our emotions guide us as we unmask and become ourselves. Our emotions are uniquely ours; they teach us lessons that guide the paths that lead us closer to ourselves, and happiness is only a small part of that equation.
Quite frankly, I think we put too much pressure on Mama Happiness because we are rushing to heal when, in reality, we need to feel. Every emotion serves as a guidepost on your path; without them, you are left to walk alone. This is why we can be in our house and still want to go home.
As a neurodivergent woman, I struggle to identify my feelings immediately. In the medical world, they refer to it as delayed processing, which basically means it takes at least two business days for me to realize I was being disrespected or taken advantage of. This is why I never make decisions immediately, as I have to check in with myself.
Side Note - Establishing Boundaries
Don’t be afraid to tell people that you need time to think about something. I promise they can and will wait, and if they can’t, the answer is no.
Emotions are processed in the body before they are processed in the mind. Still, suppose you are disconnected from your body because of your neurodivergence or unresolved trauma. In that case, you are likely disconnected from your body because your emotions and environment are overstimulating, causing you to move into your head.
The problem with the mind-body disconnection is that when we move into our head, we miss the intuitive guidance that helps us move through the emotion instead of from the emotion.
Every experience we have is meant to be felt from the heart space and observed from the head space. When we practice this daily, we move closer into alignment with our higher self and soul path. We are less likely to move from the systematic fear that creates patterns of thought that keep us trapped in the same low-vibe cycles.
In this lifetime, we will experience the wheel of emotions. It’s a part of the human experience; embrace it. New ideas will spark excitement, just as loss will spark grief, and they both teach you a lot about who you are. This is life; it’s ebbs and flows, and as much as you try, you are not in control. So, it’s best to learn how to take your power back by being present and moving through it, one moment at a time.
In conclusion, I am not happy, but that’s not the point.
I really felt the feelings that you put into this writing. While it is intellectual, it felt more like your heart and soul intellect rather than the head. It really resonated with me. Happy seems like such a fleeting emotion. Often what I feel is content. It's like content takes a look at all the feelings and there weight, and asks if there is enough light feeling to balance the dark feeling. If so, then I can be content that while life is not perfect, there is light in it and I am not spiraling down a dark hole.
I have trouble labeling happiness. I’m a 58yo intellectual, multi-degreed, professional who has successfully raised 3 children and half of their friend, who now smothers the grands with the same love and compassion, but I still don’t know what happiness feels like or looks like. I have decided that it’s simply a conundrum that will not be solved in my lifetime, but perhaps in the next. Until then, I live, I love, I experience a gamut of emotions that I’ll likely never label.